My first thought was, “No, I don’t. I don’t have __________, or _______, or __________, or _______.” (I stopped writing gratitude in my journal in January, so when I do write, it’s been more to vent or “process.”) Then I sat for a minute. My dear astute onlooker continued to share with me that, even though I want to “process” each experience where I feel so lacking, that if I could just let go and move forward today, knowing that I do indeed have all that I need, I might feel lighter.

I wanted to weep. The moment was transformative. I did feel lighter. And I am moving on to let go of past grievances, issues, and moments of dismay to fill my heart and mind with love.

I looked in the mirror later that morning, and I was amazed at the woman I saw–a woman of beauty and wisdom. I’m not sure I’ve seen her before, but I am so excited to get to know her.

There are different periods of time we all have to go through in order to live through our lives, childhood, high school, adolescence, middle age, and old age, to name a few. With each phase of life there are new challenges, new sights to behold, new things to learn. Unfortunately, most times when I think back on my high school experience, I think of all these horrid moments filled with regret. These memories have been setting up camp in my mind lately. Something I am starting to figure out though, is that it’s over now, and I don’t need to be troubled with it anymore. IT’S OVER NOW AND I DON’T NEED TO BE TROUBLED WITH IT ANYMORE!!!!!

I can say that over and over, and sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn’t. I can remember so vividly the clothes that I wore, which might not have looked so good on me, the makeup I wore that accentuated the wrong features, the hair I never seemed to be able to get to look normal and that’s just the beginning. I can remember the people I so desperately wanted to hang out with, the crowds I wanted to fit into, and so many things that just went wrong day in and day out. Why did I say those things? What was I thinking when I did that? How much more obvious could I have been about liking that guy? It’s easy for me to hate who I used to be and drown myself in guilt for how things happened, but it doesn’t get me anywhere…except maybe back into those ugly clothes and not good enough feelings—back in high school. Which, if you’re like me, is one of the last places you want to go back to.

Let me give to you a thought that has come into my mind…It’s stupid to beat yourself up over things you did in the past because you did the best that you could with the knowledge and resources you had at the time. I didn’t know how pick out good fitting clothes or do my hair as well as the teen magazine star at the time. Here’s another thing to remember if you are looking back and hating yourself: You are a different person now than the one you were when you made those decisions. You have grown and changed and are so much better than that now. If you are different than you were, then the most important thing you could have gotten out of the experience happened, you changed, you progressed and now you have moved on from whatever wasn’t quite right about you before.

So maybe the two of us can forget about the things we did wrong a long time ago, and bask in the happiness that comes with moving on and growing up and most of all…getting better.

We change the laundry.  We change the TV channel.  We change our hair cut, color, and style.

Those things on the first list are things we have no control over (like, I seriously doubt that we’ll ever get a “Dislike” button, no matter how many groups are devoted to “petitioning” for one; my reasoning for this must be saved for a future blog…maybe).  But the second list?  Yeah, I definitely have a say in when laundry gets done, what shows we watch, and what color my hair is, and I’d bet that you do too (well, at least some of the time ).  There are many changes which you control.

Control is something I ponder pretty frequently because I really, really like to possess it…when it’s convenient (haha!).  Such a desire for control can cause me some serious stress, most of which is totally unnecessary–and I am absolutely, totally sure that you never, ever do that to yourself.  Right?

But just in case there are a few of you out there like me, I’ll continue.  Of course there are TONS of things we can’t control–the length of the drive-thru line, others’ behavior, your genetics, and many, many more–and they drive us crazy!!!!  But, see, here’s the secret to help all you control freaks out there (and over here):  there is ALWAYS something about it we can change…

Our attitudes!  You’ve seen, just as I have, the effects of a particularly good or bad attitude on the whole atmosphere of a room, a meeting, a home.  What if that attitude were yours?  I confess that much of the time, my attitude’s been pretty lousy lately.  I’m committing, right here on the World Wide Web to all you friends, neighbors, and total strangers that I will change it.  I don’t promise to be perfect, but I promise to do better.  (See this blog for a discussion on that.)  Because…

We can change our clothing.  We can change diapers.  We can change our attitudes.  And doing so, we can change the world.

 As we were leaving the park, though, our six-year-old discovered a butterfly on a plant. The butterfly’s wings were wet from the recent rains, and our son could hold it as it crawled and creeped from hand to arm to hand. He did not want to leave this beautiful creature that had trusted him enough to hold it.

We talked of what would happen if we took it home. Would it be safe in the car? Probably not. Do we have the right kinds of plants for it to drink? No. He continued to long for the connection he felt, yet he urged the butterfly from his grasp onto a bunch of fuchsia flowers. I felt relieved that he did what was best for the butterfly even though leaving it was difficult for him. I began to walk toward our car with a weight off my shoulders.

Then he called me back. Oh, no. Maybe he had reconsidered. I braced myself for a further plea to take it home, when, as I approached, he said delightfully, “Look, Mom, it’s drinking!” He was an enchanted witness to the beautiful butterfly sipping nectar from the soft deep cove within the flower. His letting go of the butterfly allowed the creature to live and be what it needed to be.

I am grateful for the wisdom of my six-year-old and for the lessons we have learned from a butterfly.

But as you probably guessed, I didn’t just pick a random song to have you guess on. I’ve been thinking about letting go.

Over the past few months, a lot of things have been happening that I can’t control no matter how hard I try, such as sickness (everything from vertigo to vomiting–bleh!), events involving other people in my life, and (of course!) the ever-present waiting game for medical school. Now, if you know me personally, you know I really, really like for things to turn out beautifully the first time, on time, exactly how I envisioned them. (I didn’t say this happens very often, only that I like it when it does.).
I’m learning something, though: that I don’t get to pick when I get sick, or what choices other people make, or which school(s) will accept me or when. And you know something? That kinda stinks!

But I’m learning to accept it. It isn’t easy, and it certainly isn’t happening overnight, but I’m getting there. I am letting go of that mindset that says I have to fix everything for everybody, because I don’t. So I’ll “let it go, let it roll right off [my] shoulder, ['cause] don’t you know, the hardest part is over…”

Yeah. The hardest part is over…because the hardest part was taking that (incredibly empowering) first step to say I don’t have to be in control to be happy.

I couldn’t think of anything inspiring to share with you or words that would give you solace in a challenging time. The reason for this is that over the last week or so my life has been taking unexpected, devastating falls bringing me deeper and deeper into the pit of despair that has temporarily become my life. Not fun. Some difficult news came last Tuesday that made my complicated and stressful life more complicated and stressful. As hard to swallow as that news was, I made an effort to keep things level headed without any kind of significant break down over the holidays, and basically succeeded. I did my best to not let it take over, even though it was resting heavily on my mind. That was a good thing. The holidays were wonderful and I was thankfully able to enjoy them despite the struggles.

Last Saturday meant a dive back into reality for me as I started to gather more details that needed to go into the mix for my difficult decisions ahead. As I was coping with that, some even more-totally unrelated-news came on Monday that made matters worse bringing me into some of the most difficult of times I’ve faced. All I could seem to think about was the horrible situation that I had been placed in almost completely out of my control. That was why I didn’t have anything to say. My world was colored by tragedy and dismay to the point that everything seemed totally awful. Even the good things in life seemed insignificant in comparison to the devastation.

I hate being in that place where everything seems bad and rotten. So this morning I woke up and decided to bring the levels of negativity down. I had to choose not to let this devastation take over every waking minute of my life anymore. Yes, my challenges are still totally present in my life. However, there is a time and a place for them which doesn’t need to be dominating my life for more than a couple of days.

So for you and for me there is only so much time we can spend in agony before we pick ourselves up again. We cannot spend every day complaining over the misfortunes of our lives for they will be easily found as long as we live. Some things are harder to deal with than others and for those things we must allow ourselves time to heal. Something I am working hard to learn how to do is let things be what they are, especially the things that are out of my control.