Anyway, I’ve been pondering relationships lately. And recently, as I was standing in my shower reflecting on the mysteries of life and love and the universe, I thought about the guys I’ve dated. I thought about the guy I started dating most recently. Upon thinking about why I date(d) said individual(s), the thought came,

“He makes me feel special.”

I froze, temporarily immobilized by the truth–and the frightfulness–of those words. I immediately thought to myself, “But my specialness needs to come from inside me!”

I feel very strongly that both parties in a relationship should be encouraging and uplifting to one another; however, I think a relationship is healthiest when neither party is dependent upon the other for constant validation in order to consistently feel worthy of love. And, judging by my earlier internal monologue, I have a little work to do to get to that level of self-assurance, self-reliance, self-esteem, and–dare I say it?–self-actualization.

I’ve experienced that state of being before–one in which I’m completely accepting of myself as I am, in which I’m comfortable in my own skin, in which I don’t need anybody else to tell me I’m pretty or smart or talented or destined for great things because I know all of that myself, truly madly deeply down inside the very core of my soul. I would love to figure out what I was doing during those periods of my life so that I could do it ALL THE TIME and, therefore, feel that awesome all the time. I’m working on that. I think I’ve got a little bit figured out. But you’ll have to read my next blog to find out what it is

PS, readers, I’ve missed you. And for those of you who are new, Hi!

My first thought was, “No, I don’t. I don’t have __________, or _______, or __________, or _______.” (I stopped writing gratitude in my journal in January, so when I do write, it’s been more to vent or “process.”) Then I sat for a minute. My dear astute onlooker continued to share with me that, even though I want to “process” each experience where I feel so lacking, that if I could just let go and move forward today, knowing that I do indeed have all that I need, I might feel lighter.

I wanted to weep. The moment was transformative. I did feel lighter. And I am moving on to let go of past grievances, issues, and moments of dismay to fill my heart and mind with love.

I looked in the mirror later that morning, and I was amazed at the woman I saw–a woman of beauty and wisdom. I’m not sure I’ve seen her before, but I am so excited to get to know her.

After talking with my family, the story flowed. In fact, it was too long, so I had to edit it. The shorter version follows:

Maeja, the Medicine Woman, came from a long line of healers. Her mother, her sisters, her daughters all had healing powers within them. Maeja travelled from village to village, now that her children were grown and helped the mothers prepare for the birth of her babies. All around the villages, people sent word to make sure that Maeja would be able to help them prepare a ward, inviting place for their babies as they entered the world.

Those who visited in Maeja’s home always felt loved and invited. She brought with her a spirit of acceptance and peace. Maeja loved the idea of new life. She surrounded her home with the most beautiful flowers, orchids, calla lilies, iris, roses, sunflowers, carnations and daisies. She loved the color and feel of the earth and showed this is the furnishings in her home. She felt that the most important gift to give is oneself.

For years and years, Maeja travelled to help the new mothers with their babies. She brought cool water for them to sip as they labored to bring a new life into the world. She always brought a homemade blanket for the new one. She would choose red and oranges, vibrant and bright to celebrate the birth. As the baby was born, Maeja lovingly wrapped the baby in a warm blanket.

Maeja knew that the gods watched over her. They helped her as she helped the mothers bring their babies into the world. They saw the loving care she brought. They also saw the conviction within her to make sure that the world welcomed the new child. As Maeja breathed her last breath, the gods made her the fire goddess so that she could bring warmth into the world.

Now, Maeja travels the world over. She sends hot lava like fireworks spewing in colors of red and orange to celebrate new life. This is why a volcano erupts.

It was so fun to work together! It was interesting to hear each person’s contribution. In the end, it was my story inspired by my family.

What a blessing to have families. Perhaps, you can write a short story or poem, or song or paint a picture or another creative project with your family this week.

The power of story is strong. The power of family is strong. The power of unity and support are strong. Empower yourself by empowering your family members.

I’ve been pondering my innate need for connection lately.  I have priorities to connect with my husband, our children, my friends, God, other family members, and even myself each day.  I sit around sometimes on more restful days and wait for a notification on Facebook, an email, a phone call, visit or text to let me know that someone out there in this world wants to be connected to me, too–that connection is important to them.  On days I’m feeling more proactive, I am out making comments, writing on walls, blogging, texting or calling those who are on my mind.  Today is a more proactive day.

Last week, though, I had been having a string of several, shall we call it, “less-than-proactive” days…in fact, for most of January, I’ve been in a bit of a funk.  I’d blame the weather, but it really has been pleasant for the most part.  (I, on the other hand, have been less than pleasant….) Still, while surfing my news feed on Facebook last Friday, I found a dear friend had posted this link from Sarah Kay.  She is a poet, among other things, who shares two poems in this segment through the medium of Spoken Word Poetry.  And I LOVE it.

I watched that video and wept through it.  Her work moved me.  And I felt connected to something larger than my tiny little microscopic hole I was digging myself into for the past several days.  And I shared her voice with one of my children who is seeking a voice right now but doesn’t quite know how to get there.

Since that moment of connection, I have been reminded of other moments lately, and have had more moments since, because I took a moment to open my mind and allow myself to feel.  The quotation on our Facebook page today says something like (and I won’t botch it for sharing it incorrectly, because the author is unknown anyway), “Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we’re here we should dance.”  Well, I haven’t been dancing. Or singing. Or writing. Or blogging. Or creating. But I am recommitting myself to be that girl again.

And I’m feeling happier and more connected with the world already!

And just for fun, a little singing, too, from one of my favorite movies of all time! Enjoy!

Anyway, just wondering if you, like I, have loose ends loitering about your life like aimless youth in a grocery store parking lot. Well, do you? You know what I’m talking about–mending that tear in your fav shirt, letters you haven’t finished, dishes, left-over projects, not to mention bills to be paid, appointments to be scheduled, and of course that shelf that has needed to be dusted since 1985. Maybe some of you weren’t even born in 1985?

Well–what do you do with those never-ending lists of loose-end tasks? Books you want to read, places you’d like to visit, experiences you’d like to record for posterity…I hope some of them made it on your 2012 goal list. I know some of mine did.

I really would like some input on how you tackle these items. I’ve been feeling just a bit overwhelmed with the constantly growing list of loose ends and could use some feedback–before I unravel into a loose end myself! And, now, to attack that shelf I’ve been meaning to dust….

We spoke about how some people get stuck in their ways or in a certain “place” or in “the waiting place” as Dr. Seuss calls it…waiting for something or someone to happen to them–& how we can choose to be proactive during the passage of time. We talked about how sometimes we will fly high & sometimes others will pass us by–but we ultimately have our own mountains to move!

If you haven’t read this book recently, I would encourage you to pick it up at the library, your local bookstore, or where ever you get books. It is awesome! And, while you’re at it…decide which mountains you’re going to move this year.

Of course I have a question for you to consider: what places will you go in 2012? (Your mountain is waiting!!!!!)

Well, it is coming in the form of a recipe.  This recipe is one of my favorites…and it is one of the easiest things to cook on days with busy afternoons or evenings or when I have last minute cleaning to do for dinner guests.  I made this meal last night, and, in addition to being delicious, it made my day peaceful.  I felt prepared all day.  I had time to spend helping with various afternoon details and assignments (instead of feeling frazzled and wondering what in the world we would have for dinner…cereal, again?). At that moment, I decided that I wanted to give that gift to all our wonderful readers!  :)  Here you go!

Cafe Rio Pork Barbacoa Salad

Pork Tenderloin (I buy the large ones and then cut to specified sizes and marinate in Ziploc freezer bags and pop in the freezer till I need them…that way, it cuts down on time and money…) 5-6 lbs.

Marinate in bag with: 1 can of caffeine-free Coke or Dr. Pepper (do NOT use diet…it doesn’t work), 1 cup brown sugar, 3/4 cup white sugar, 1 clove garlic (or more), 3 tsp. chipotle Tabasco sauce (+/-), 6 oz. red taco sauce (I use medium, but whatever you like), 1 tsp. dry mustard, 1 tsp. cumin, 1/4 tsp. cayenne pepper.  Good job! (See now why I do several at once?  Quite a few ingredients…but oh, so worth it!!!!)

On the day of cooking, place in crock pot early (I start mine when I wake up–or at least by 7 a.m. for a 5:30 p.m. dinner)–at least 6-8 hours.  I also add one more can of soda in the morning to let it cook in (actually, I usually rinse all the yummy marinade goodness from the bag by pouring in fresh soda and then pouring over pork).  Shred about 2 hours before you want to eat, and continue cooking.  Your house will smell so yummy from about 10 a.m. on…!

The pork is served with the following layers–in this order–with more recipes to follow:  tortilla, cheese, beans (black or pinto), rice (I just toss Jasmine or Calrose rice in my rice cooker about 30 minutes before dinner time…my kiddos like it better plain…or you can use a cilantro or lime rice recipe), pork, shredded Romaine lettuce, pico de gallo (see recipe), tortilla strips (or crumbled chips work just as well), tomatillo ranch dressing (see recipe), and guacamole if you like it.

Tomatillo Ranch Dressing

Toss the following ingredients in a blender until blended:  1 pkg. dry Ranch dressing mix, 3 tomatillos–rough chop (be sure to peel off the papery skin first & throw it away or compost), 1/4 cup mayo (I just toss in one large spoonful because I don’t like measuring sticky, gooey stuff I have to scrape from a measuring cup), 1/3 cup sour cream (again, same as mayo, just more), 1 cup (small carton) buttermilk, 1 cup cilantro–rough chop (add to preference), 3 cloves garlic, 1/8 tsp. cayenne pepper, 2 tsp. green Tabasco sauce, juice from one lime.  (I’m so ready for my leftovers for lunch!!!)

Pico de Gallo (compliments of Emeril)

3-6 Roma tomatoes, seeded and chopped. Add cilantro, about 1/2 an onion, jalapeno (seeded–the seeds have the worst kick), 3-4 cloves garlic, juice from one lime, and salt & pepper to taste.  You can chop it all or food process it…whatever works.  I do both–depending on my mood & time.

The dressing and pico can be done early (or right before, while the rice is cooking and the beans are heating)…& I love the FREEDOM to enjoy my afternoon, smell yummy dinner cooking, and just be able to feel the peace that everything is okay.

So, there is my gift to you this holiday!  Hope you all have an empowered December and are excited for the many opportunities and blessings coming your way during the growth of 2012!!!

(Actually, while I’m confessing about not seeing movies on the blog lately, maybe I should tell you I haven’t seen any of the Transformers movies…& the only reason I think I might ever see them is Josh Duhamel. But, I digress….) Back to your regularly (or not so regularly, lately) scheduled blog post:

The last few months have been transformative for me. Don’t ask me why…I really don’t know. In fact, I’ve been thinking of blogging about this transformation for awhile, but I just can’t put my finger on a magic moment when something happened to change me. It’s kinda been a process. And, deep down, I think it’s been a really lllooonnnggg process. Still, I would like to share with you what I do know about what has happened lately.

I am a significantly happier person. And more positive. And more grateful. And more confident (thus, the title). Those qualities have been the end product.

Here is what I do know…several months ago, I was experiencing quite a bit of stress. (Who, me?Mom of a house full of little ones…nahhhh!) And, I wasn’t just experiencing it; I was internalizing it. Then, my body started to react to said stress by doing all sorts of crazy things. Now, mind you, I think I am a fairly healthy kinda gal–I eat pretty well (with the occasional–well, maybe regular–sugar indulgence) and exercise (I just ran a half-marathon last summer)…but I was having basic heart attack symptoms–racing, pain in my arm, circulatory issues. Yuck.

Well, I got back on board with making exercise a priority and started to watch my thoughts. At the end of September, I heard this talk (life changing) at a meeting I attended. The first point made me weep. I thought about how hard I am on myself all the time. I thought about how I beat myself up daily, if not hourly or moment by moment, about what I could and should be doing better in my life. Mind you, this self-abuse was not to the point of changing anything; it just made me feel crummy. So, I decided to do something different.

Also, sometime between then and now, I went out with a dear friend of mine. Over smoothies and carrot cake, I figured out something that I had never realized before…I was not friends with myself. It’s easy to point out flaws regarding something or someone you don’t really even like, right? Well, that’s what I was doing. And, that night, I decided to do something different.

Then, last month, I attended a workshop on gratitude. We even made little covers for notebooks that were supposed to be gratitude journals. I know that gratitude is helpful, but I wasn’t committed to adding one more thing to my daily routine. (And, I wasn’t gonna deal with the guilt I would put myself through if I didn’t write every. single. day.) Then, about mid-way through the month, I decided to pick it up and write a bit. I also decided that I would do the best that I could and not beat myself up if I didn’t write every day. And, I have definitely been a better person for it (and I’m learning how to manage the guilt in a healthy way by letting go or doing better instead of letting it bring down my energy and self esteem). Huzzah!!!!

So, between the gratitude journal, positive thinking, exercise, and letting go of guilt, I am a new person…and I feel happier and more confident.

Speaking of confidence, I have always loved “The Sound of Music.” And, it just happens to have a great song about confidence. Just in case you don’t know what is going on here, Maria is leaving the Abbey to go help take care of the Captain and his seven children–a little nervous, maybe even scared of what’s unknown and what’s to come–but she sings this:

watch?v=VOhkb476PJk&feature=related

Still, I do know all the hype (I see it on FB, blogs, various other internet posts, etc.) about Team Jacob or Team Edward.  Since I am of neither, I felt completely qualified to write this blog….

At times when my dear husband and I happen to have disagreements or opposite opinions, he will often say to me, “We are on the same team.”  Several years ago, when he began to remind me of this tiny little fact, I would feel even more outraged and desire to push whatever point I was trying to make; in more recent years, I have simply stated, “But right now I don’t feel like we are.”  Well, as I was thinking of this declaration, “We are on the same team,” over the weekend, I have decided that he’s right.  We are on the same team.  For the most part, we have the same goals, the same desires, and are working together (well, most of the time, anyway) for the good of our relationship and our family.

Then I began to think about the world at large.  Maybe I’m wrong, but I think that for the most part, the world is on the same team.  Sure, we may disagree if FSU should beat UF or not,

or if we want Bella to get with Edward or Jacob,

but I think that most of us would like less war, more peace, less poverty, more kindness, less competition, more compassion.  Certainly, we may differ in our methods of getting to those ends, but I do believe that most of the world (at least the piece of it I know) desires these things.  Maybe we just need to take a step back from time to time to see the big picture.  As various world and national leaders get together to battle out the “how’s” of “fixing” our world, maybe wisdom would be found if we could examine first the “what’s”–and I think we might find that we are more similar than we first believed…and that, maybe, just maybe, we are on the same team after all.